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I'm so scared that ill never get put back together [22 Sep 2007|03:50pm] [ mood | depressed ] This song brought me tears today. I dont even think it should but it does. If I fall along the way Pick me up and dust me off And if I get too tired to make it Be my breath so I can walk If I need some other love Give me more than I can stand And when my smile gets old and faded Wait around I'll smile again Shouldn't be so complicated Just hold me and then Just hold me again Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together You're breaking me in And this is how we will end With you and me bent If I couldn't sleep could you sleep Could you paint me better off Could you sympathize with my needs I know you think I need a lot I started out clean but I'm jaded Just phoning it in Just breaking the skin Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together You're breaking me in And this is how we will end With you and me bent Start bending me It's never enough I feel all your pieces Start bending me Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in Shouldn't be so complicated Just touch me and then Just touch me again Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together You're breaking me in And this is how we will end With you and me bent Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together You're breaking me in And this is how we will end With you and me bent post comment

[29 Oct 2006|02:48am] Dear Die-ary, I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep now.... post comment

[10 Sep 2006|11:11pm] Dear Die-ary, Yea so... Im writing in here... why I dont know since I havent even gotten a comment in 37 weeks.... Its rediculus how much no one cares... So I have heard for the 100 to many time today how someone is sorry because they dont share feelings... I love how no one loves me... Its a great feeling... Realy makes you not want to get up in the morning... I want to go play in traffic but its to far to a busy street here... I realy just sick of everyone... Im gonna put off coming home for awhile... because veryone back home just has me stressed out... Ry coming back into my life... Kim trying to appologize for being a bitch... I dont want to deal with it... Im sick of consistantly being unhappy about everything... I just want to be happy about everything! is that to much to ask... I guess I ask for to much... god for bid I want to enjoy my life before I die... UGGG... I hate everything.... 2 comments|post comment

[29 Aug 2006|02:38am] [ mood | Even more depressed then b4 ] Dear Die-ary, I have to write this because this is what has already happened... I long peroid of dajavoo has hit me so im starting to question reality at the moment... For the past few months I have thought things between me and kim were breaking down... I have talked to people about it because it was upsetting me... Today I am talking to kim and I said I didnt think I'd be with her anymore... and she flipped... She telling me how she broke up with josh for me and how she is waiting for me... When I wasnt even sure if she had broken up with Josh, because every myspace entry she makes talks about her wonderful Boy friend and i know im not her boy friend... And all of this comes to me as a complete shock and she seems like I shuold know all this time and that it was obvious... I love her so much and Ive told her but lately she hasnt shown much in return... so I figured things werent perty much fallin between us... now Im so tired and so worried... but I wont be sleeping well tonight... post comment

I'm an asshole [28 Aug 2006|04:30pm] [ mood | depressed ] Dear Die-ary, Im depressed as usaul but I think that is gonna change... So the past week I been giving Ry advise to get her back on track with her life and I think its time I start heeding my own advise and get my life on track... Now supposely I am a nice guy and a great friend... But because of that no one wants to date me... and supposely guys aare all complete assholes... and women like to date them... So in conclusion I'm done helpin people because karma has yet to get back to me on that and I'm just gonna take control of my own life and care about me... you guys just gonna have wellow in your own filth for a change... Anyone one I have ever told "If you ever need me" or "Im always here" that is now offically a lie... Im not hear for any of you anymore... Im sick of busting my ass caring for everyone and making other people problems and not solving any of my own problems... you can deal with it on your own... and if you cant well the o well... maybe you can find some other galable ass guy to take advantage of... so I'll be the asshole you all want me to be... post comment

[23 Aug 2006|07:13pm] Dear Die-ary, Sigh... Ry started reading my journal today to see what I had wrote about her in the past year we havent been talking... And it got me reading it which is kind of depressing... Now I wish I didnt read it... I dont know why she would want to read it... I dont know... I think shes coming back into my left to abrouptly... Im concerned... I dont want to hurt like that again... She keeps appologizing and that bothers me. I dont like the word sorry. It realy shows nothing... anyone can just say sorry... just like anyone can say "I love you" it doesnt mean nothing until its shown... I dont know this could turn out bad... but then again it might not who knows... post comment

[21 Aug 2006|11:46am] [ mood | confused ] Dear Die-ary, Im worried as aways about my friends... I told Jess I was no longer gonna bother her with the flirting and all that and she kinda freaked out on me. I just worried that by doing that I did something wrong. She says she doesnt want me flirting with her so I dont but even thats not right. I dont know. I wanted to talk to her about it but I dont have the balls. O well. I guess things will always be a problem between me and her. I should have kept my feelings to myself. On that note. Ry is talking to me again. We talked for a surpising 5 hours yesterday online. I thought I was over her. I havent been thinking about her lately. But while talking to her I was getting choked up at times. Maybe its just cuz I realy miss her, but I gotta keep them feelings to myself. Seems like Ive been doing that alot lately. I always thought people liked it when Im open and I tell them how I feel. But I guess the truth causes problems. I guess its time to change who I am to everyone because people have had problems with the me I've been. post comment

[18 Aug 2006|10:33pm] Dear Die-ary, So I moved into my dorm 2 days ago its been cool... Always something to do... Always people to hang out with... But Im missing people alot. I pissed Jess off tonight flirtin with her on AIM... I realy just gotta draw the line and forget about her completely. I think I can do it now since Im so far away from her. It just pointless to bother her and waste my time with something that will never become anything. And I dont like the fact that Im troubling her with it. She can do just fine on her own. But college hasnt been to bad. I start classes on Monday. I think it be cool. Upper classman move in tomorrow. We are thinkin about going to the beach sunday. I just tend to be a little miserable I guess its in my nature to find fault in things. Its been over a year with no gf... I miss knowing that there is a girl to be there for ya. I probly come home in anougher week or 2. I dont think im homesick but then again home is where the heart is and my heart will always be with those I consider friends even If they no longer consider me a friend. I guess I gotta make a new home here. Till then... I miss them... post comment

Some good news [11 Aug 2006|03:09pm] [ mood | content ] Dear Die-ary, So I have 5 more days till I leave for school... So Im packing up my stuff. I found something I been looking for along while for... And Im glad I found them today of all days... I finaly found my pictures of Jess that she gave me a year ago. Today is her surgery and I a bit worried about her and Im happy that I found these pictures. I hoping her surgery goes well and I have a present planned for her for either tomorrow or sunday... I hope she likes it. I hope I can get it too. I want to a store yesterday and it was closed... So I have to try anougher place. But... Just thought with all my negative post I been making I make a positive one. post comment

I give up... [21 Jul 2006|12:50pm] [ mood | depressed ] Dear Die-ary, I think its time I just bow my head in defeat by this stage in my life... I have about 3 more weeks till I go away to school... Everyone is mad or annoyed with me... So I just gotta wait till I leave... The next 3 weeks are gonna be slow but theres no reason anymore for me to be constantly hopin I will hang out with someone the next day... At this point I dont plan on seeing anyone from now till I leave... I just hope I can meet some good people while at school so I can put all this behind me... Breaking Benjamin - Dairy of Jane If I had to I would put myself right beside you So let me ask Would you like that? Would you like that? And I don't mind If you say this love is the last time So now I'll ask Do you like that? Do you like that? No Something's getting in the way Something's just about to break I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane So tell me how it should be Try to find out what makes you tick As I lie down Sore and sick Do you like that? Do you like that? There's a fine line between love and hate And I don't mind Just let me say that I like that I like that Something's getting in the way Something's just about to break I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane As I burn another page As I look the other way I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane So tell me how it should be Desperate, I will crawl Waiting for so long No love, there is no love Die for anyone What have I become Something's getting in the way Something's just about to break I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane As I burn another page As I look the other way I still try to find my place In the diary of Jane post comment

[19 Jul 2006|01:54pm] Dear Die-ary, I just read Jess's jounral and she had someting in there that brought me to tears... Just this little like story that I have no idea where it came from but it was the meaning that mattered... Its hard to say its effect on me... Its just weird... Its these kinda things though that make me just want to know more and hear more from her about what she is thinking... Shes very deep... I like that... post comment

[09 Jul 2006|07:03pm] [ mood | depressed ] Dear Die-ary, You the only one I have to talk to? It realy dont matter what I put in here anymore... No one reads it. But for some reason I still put my thoughts in here... If just so I can remember what I was thinking because my memory sucks. I been feeling shitty lately... For reasons Ive previously talked about... Ive been spending alot of time alone... On top of this what I have been thinking about while I been alone... I leave for school in less then the 16th of Aug. and there are people I realy care about that I am leaving behind (Jess, Kim, Robyn)... And I am afraid that when I come back they arnt gonna be the same people anymore as they were when I leave... I feel like everything is gonna change without me... And by the end of those 3 years I wont know them at all... I maybe I'll move on to a new set of friends and forget about them as they forget about me... But in my sane mind now I know I dont want to forget these people I want these people to be in the group of people that I remember after I am old a grey... And that these people will see me through my life as I want to see them through their... (this shits actauly bringing me to tears) And if anyone still reads this damned thing I would probly be 1 of those 3... I just want to know that they are the most important people in my life right now... If it wasnt for these 3 I wouldnt even bother getting up in the mourning... These girls have helped me so much even when I am an ass sometimes... I just dont know where I would be with out them... and each of them equaly important as the rest... I dont think I could handle losing one of them... I hear I am faced with the thought of losing all of them... for an education... all I can do is hope and prey... that they will be here when I get back, because everything I do is in one way or anougher for them... They give me a purpose I guess... I love them...... post comment

Alone [02 Jul 2006|04:56pm] [ mood | At an end ] Dear Die-ary, I spent just about my entire week alone by myself... I worked my weekend away but outside of work I have done nothing but sit in my room and think about the things around me... or the lack there of... I sit here and scream until my lungs calaspe and still no one hears me... I could write my final words in here but no one would know why I died... I cant find reason to live in a world where no one listens... I cant find a reason to keep screaming for help... There is no one out there who cares to listen... No one to stop by to find out how I am doing... People notice I am in pain I can tell... But no one cares to ask why or what they could do for me... no one is willing to lend a hand... no one cares to save me... And I cant save myself... I dont want to be alone like this... No one should be alone like this... If "hell is other people" then I welcome hell because even the worst of company is better then no company... I cant make it on my own... post comment

Drowning... Someone save me... [23 Jun 2006|03:01pm] [ mood | Trying to hang on... ] Dear Die-ary, Its offical... The bad side of me is back... The part that I spent years running from... I sit alone day after day because no one wants to be part of my life... no friends no foes... No excitement... Im just alone. Come Aug 16 I leave New Jeresey for the next 4 years Im only gonna spend my holidays and 2 months ever summer home... I have chatted with peole just minutes ago that I might never see again... People that I find it so hard to say goodbye too... but in the same thought wonder why I try so hard to hang on to people that dont want anything to do with me... Im just reaching for something anything to stop be from drowning but theres nothing but water... Do I just keep reaching or do I finaly just breath in and let the water fill my lungs and finaly except this fate of being in the lonely darkness of the abyss for the rest of my life till death... which is unpredictable but could come at anytime... I sit here and wish for the end of the world tomorrow so atleast something intereseting will happen... I just want something to do... somewhere to go... I just want to feel like there someone else out there that will realy care where my future lies... 30 Secounds to Mars - The Kill What if I wanted to break Laugh it all off in your face What would you do? What if I fell to the floor Couldn’t take all this anymore What would you do? Kill Break me down Bury me, bury me I am finished with you What if I wanted to fight Beg for the rest of my life What would you do? You say you wanted more What are you waiting for? I’m not running from you Kill Break me down Bury me, bury me I am finished with you Look in my eyes You’re killing me, killing me All I wanted was you… post comment

[18 Jun 2006|03:39pm] [ mood | depressed ] Dear Die-ary, 19 years ago the worse thing to happen in my life happened... I was born... Woke up this morning to my parents bitching at me saying we were going to my grandparents... for fathers day... So I wasnt going because I had plans to hang out with Kim. That started a fight but they went without me. Then it comes to about 3:30 and no sign of Kim finaly I hear for her and ask her if I can come over and she tells me she has plans. So I am spending my birthday home alone. No friends, no family. Its nice to know how happy people are that I came into this world. The things that pisses me off the most about this is I would never do this to anyone else. Even if I didnt like them I would never just fucking blow them off like this... I go to alot of effort in life to give people my time, my help, and everything else I have to give them. I never get anything in return. I just get used and abused and pushed aside from everything else. I always end up spending my days fucking crying. There just nothing for me to live for. I dont know why I push through day after day like I do... post comment

[16 Jun 2006|12:50pm] [ mood | Alone ] Dear Die-ary, Well the good emotions didn't seem to last long... I've been feeling kinda alone lately. It is the same feeling that always over takes me and kills me. I just look around and see where I am in life and relize how alone I realy am. Kim graduation was last night and she told me she was going to dump him afterwards because he wouldn't goto her graduation. The I find out later that he is going to her graduation party on saturday. She said that he wont be there till most of us leave but I realy don't want to go at all though. I was hoping that he be out of the picture by now and he isn't. So I am thinking about moving myself out of the picture. But then I'll be back where I dont want to be. Spending every day at home by myself doing nothing being depressed and alone. I need a girlfriend but I have no one. Then there is Jess... Ya shes there but I dont even know if she is an option. I don't think she wants anything more then just that one day. I dont blame her. She said she doesnt want any kind of attached relationship. So I'll probly be back to making alot more post on here. I know it seems I only post on here when Im depressed but realy I only post on here when Im bored with nothing better to do. To kinda keep my own thoughts in order. Without this I probly forget alot of things that has happened to me. But somethings should be forgot I guess and here is where I forget them. Less then 3 months till I leave Jersey for school. I might just leave all of it behind me when I leave... post comment

To much time... and nothing to do [21 Feb 2006|09:44pm] [ mood | curious ] Dear Die-ary, Its been awhile hasn't it??? Well not like anyone reads you but Im gonna write in you anyway... I spent the whole day in my room today because Kim is mad at me because I got mad at her which is completely assinine, but I think things are gonna severely change between us and not in the way I would like them too. But theres nothing I can do about that. On a side note theres this realy cute girl that I have had the hugest crush on even before I knew her name... Shes been mentioned many times in this journal. And lately she be kinda flirty with me and it makes me wonder if something could be started there... But its so hard to know if she serious or not. I wish she had time to hang out with me but she busy with school activities. I might pick her up from school one day and hang out with her a bit before she has practice which will be nice. I hardly see her anymore and its a real shame because she a cool person and well hot as hell too... Good combo lol... Well thats it... Trapt - Victim Let me play I've been dying to let you win It's all I wanna be So won't you take if from me I wonder Why the less I get the more I give It's all I wanna be So won't you take if from me I want your eyes I want your eyes on me I want your eyes I want your eyes on me I want your eyes I want your eyes to see I want someone to notice me I wanna be your new victim I wanna be your new victim No regrets... even if it's all I get It's all I wanna be So wont you take it from me It still hurts It's never easy to forget Do I wanna be Well, you never asked me I want your eyes I want your eyes on me I want your eyes I want your eyes on me I want your eyes I want your eyes to see I want you to notice me I wanna be your new victim I wanna be your new victim I'm right here I'm right here I'm right here I'm right here I'm right here I'm right here I'm right here I'm right here I'm right here So come and get me! So come and get me! I wanna be your new victim I wanna be your new victim I wanna be your new victim I wanna be your new victim post comment

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!! [25 Dec 2005|11:58pm] [ mood | ,,|,, ] Dear Die-ary, Well its Christmas... I got alot of zim stuff for Christmas... The presents were cool but nothing big or outstanding like usaul... Went to my uncles for Christmas dinner... 30 people and only 10 I knew... Hated it... What I realy wanted for Christmas you can't wrap... You could put a bow on it if you wanted... But I didnt get it... I probly never will... But I can keep hoping and wishing... and theres always my birthday.... *SIGH* aishiteru...... O well.... Thats my life.... Deal with it...... And MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS... post comment

Hug out with Kimmy for awhile today what could have been better? [18 Dec 2005|08:36pm] [ mood | depressed ] Dear Die-ary, The answer... anything... I actauly didn't have a good time with Kim today at all... I was realy looking foward to hanging out with her all day today since it was plan since last week and we havent had much time to see each other in awhile. We went to the mall and I spent money on her... I dont know why I do that but Ill get to that in a sec. That was fun the mall was good... the ride home was ok but she was driving so that makes me nervus... Then we got to her house. She noticed that one of her friends truck was outside her house... Figured that wasnt to big of deal at the time because I met him and usauly he isn't usauly there for long... So I soon find out that hes already been there 2 hours and brought something along for them to enjoy... I hate that shit. Well of course it was to late for me to just leave so she can hang out with him because honestly I just didnt want to be there. But I stayed because that is the polite thing to do? Lets see... Me and Kims plan for today... 1) I was suppose be able to choose what we did for the day because I took her to her boyfriends house yesterday. 2) I was suppose to get a backrub because it hurt from skiing. 3) Zim watching... Cuz who doesnt want to watch zim. 4) Something that she came up with at the mall... I was looking realy foward to that... Out of that list... We did watch zim... With her dumb ass friend saying how dumb it was the hole time... For the I could choose what we did... I wanted to lay down with her while we watched zim... And she didnt even watch zim... She to busy talking to the guy about what he brought... Back rub deffinatly didnt happen I didnt even talk to Kim since we got back to her house not 1 single conversation.. and well What she came up with at the mall deffinatly couldnt happen with him there... So I wasted 100 bucks on her today... 20 for gas then some shit at the mall the I dont know why but 40 bucks for her because there somet htings she "Needed" which I would say it realy is necessity stuff... but I dont know why its me who is paying for it... WTF she have a boyfriend for... I dont know... Im gotta stop wastin my money on her... She realy not show anything in return not even friendship... I Cried the ride home... I cry to much Guess ill end it there... 1 comment|post comment

Well Im Glad Everyone Else Is Happy... [08 Dec 2005|02:29pm] Dear Die-ary, Everyone seems to be doing so good with everything... For this I am glad... But selfish as it is... When can I be happy?... Ok alittle poem that has been circling my head... Love Sick Lullaby Every night I lay awake I can not sleep until I resite this Love Sick Lullaby Every verse is filled with the pain of my day in this Love Sick Lullaby The metre is metre is limited only to the memorys of her in this Love Sick Lullaby My cheeks stained with salt and my pillow soaked from this Love Sick Lullaby The ring wont ever shine on that hand of hers so I sing this Love Sick Lullaby Well yea I know it sucks and all but It was there and now its here.... 1 comment|post comment

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